Your Hundred Best Tunes with Alan Keith

Five years ago Creamguide decided to undertake an audit of a previously uncatalogued and largely unclear inventory. Sure, the programme had been on the radio since before Britain joined the gold standard, but what precisely were Sir Alan Keith’s 100 “best” tunes – or rather, “our” 100 best tunes as introduced by Sir Alan Keith?

The results were, unsurprisingly enough, somewhat surprising, and were disclosed in what was then called the Radio Cream Times in sets of two for the best part of twelve thankless months. Never before reproduced in its entirety, here is the full list reproduced in, well, its entirety:

1 ‘Here Come The Germans (Kuntz)’
2 ‘(My Uncle Ernest’s Climbing Rose Is) Climbing All Over My Baby’
3 ‘Norfolk ‘N’ Chants’
4 ‘Cop Killer’
5 ‘One On A Scooter, Blowing A Hooter, Smoking A Big Cigar’
6 ‘Confidential Detachable Equal Opportunities Monitoring Form’
7 ‘Football Results (Read At Dictation Speed)’
8 ‘They Call Me Mrs. Snowman’
9 ‘The Glipton Grasshoppers vs. The Churwell Lions’
10 ‘Oh My Dear (Aunty Bess’ Toenail Is) Ingrowing Again’
11 ‘I Said My Pajamas (And Put On My Prayers)’
12 ‘(How’d You Like The Feel Of) My Aryan Sweater?’
13 ‘Tom Fleming Says (I Wonder If Those Pigeons Can Talk?)’
14 ‘My Old School Teacher Said (It’s Christmas Not Xmas)’
15 ‘I’ve One Foot In The Algonquin Hotel (The Other’s At The End Of My Leg)’
16 ‘A Gun Ends A Life But Starts A Race’
17 ‘A Mango For Your Hand, My Dear?’
18 ‘Sitting On Julian Lloyd Webber’
19 ‘Twenty Four Minutes From Tulse Hill’
20 ‘Cumquat’
21 ‘Last One Out Pays Window Tax’
22 ‘Anymore Of Those Steve Wright Quotes Left?’
23 ‘Two Sods Of Topsoil’
24 ‘Barging Into The Presence Of God’
25 ‘Acting Up Like I Shouldn’t Wonder’
26 ‘They’ve Just Called Time At The Stable Bar (Joseph’s Too Pissed To Finish His Jar)’
27 ‘Everybody’s Doing It (Matriculation)’
28 ‘A Voice From The Grave? (No, Merely A Grave Voice!)’
29 ‘I Was Dickie Henderson’s Fag (The Boarding School Bosun)’
30 ‘Liquid Dreams’
31 ‘He Said It Was An Interesting Position’
32 ‘(Alison Graham) I Just Don’t Know What To Think Anymore’
33 ‘Keeping Nicholas Brett’s Chair Warm’
34 ‘New Kids On The Block Wish You A Funky Funky Christmas’
35 ‘Sparking Up With Noele Gordon’
36 ‘Well, Come On (The Telly’s On At The Moment)’
37 ‘I’ve Cum-, You’ve Cum-, Everybody’s Cum-, Cucumber!’
38 ‘Sealed With A Glasgow Kiss’
39 ‘Sorry To Hear Your Teeth Fell Out In The Arndale Centre’
40 ‘”Quelquefois Pour L’Argent, La Foi, La Reconnaissance Et Le Succes Mais Surtout Pour L’Amour, Le Moment Ou L’On Rencontre Une Autre Galaxie”, Don’t You Think?’
41 ‘Clever Dick Head of Scotland Yard’s Finest’
42 ‘You Should’ve Put A Clip On That’
43 ‘I Want A Roger Royle For Christmas’
44 ‘(Geoffrey Palmer Drinking Out Of A) Beer Can’
45 ‘The Stutter Rap (No Sleep Til’ Bedtime)’
46 ‘Look At His Face! Just Look At His Face!’
47 ‘They Scraped Him Off The Tarmac Like A Lump Of Strawberry Jam’
48 ‘That’s Not What I’ve Got Written On The Card’
49 ‘Don’t Do That, You’ll Frighten The Fish’
50 ‘Hock The Clock Yer Cock’
51 ‘I Was Talking To A Tightrope Walker The Other Day…’
52 ‘We’re Saving Them For The Credit Suisse Group’s Office Christmas Party’
53 ‘A Big Star From The 1960s, And An Even Bigger Star Of The…Er, It’s Cathy McGowan!’
54 ‘Doing The Pot Shrigley’
55 ‘Oodles Of Noodles’
56 ‘175g Sugar, 210g Margarine, 500g Oats, 6tbs Sugar!’
57 ‘Leap Up And Down (Wave Your Knickers In The Air)’
58 ‘To Be Or Not To Be (The Hitler Rap)’
59 ‘Go Gay With Thames’
60 ‘No Running, Jumping Or Petting In The Shallow End’
61 ‘In The Grotto With DJ Spoony’
62 ‘Ignoring Triangles That Differ Only By A Rotation Or Reflection, There Are Eight Different Designs’
63 ‘Foster Clark’s Soups (Feed – Warm – Nourish)’
64 ‘Booker Table And The Maitre D’s’
65 ‘Ride Around Sally’
66 ‘Let Sleeping Bags Lie (Where Golden Showers Fall)’
67 ‘Well, We’re Always On The Look Out For Enormous Boons’
68 ‘How Slowly Do I Have To Speak (Before The Emergency Record Kicks In)?’
69 ‘French Kiss’
70 ‘He Was Saying His Future’s In The Balance.’
71 ‘This Is The 55th One Of These’
72 ‘Pump Up The Bitter’
73 ‘A Strict Vegetarian Diet – For Both Of Us!’
74 ‘It’s No Use Blaming The Cistern’
75 ‘Anne Aston Is Appearing In Mother Goose At The Townswomen’s Guild, Mansfield’
76 ‘Does Anybody Here Remember Evelyn Laye And Frank Lawton?’
77 ‘You Carry On With Your Flintlock Cocked!’
78 ‘Oratorio For Rediffusion (Associated And London)’
79 ‘Then I Transferred The Signal Onto A Five-Inch Magnetic Tape (Just Get To The Clips)’
80 ‘Jammy Chamois’
81 ‘Thighs High (Grip Your Hips And Move)’
82 ‘The Photosynthesis Shuffle (Chlorophyll Clap)’
83 ‘May The Wind At Your Back Always Be Your Own’
84 ‘Pass The Toilet Paper (Andi Peters Remix)’
85 ‘Yellow Stripe (Bee Sick)’
86 ‘Number 79 Was The Best’
87 ‘Would That It Were (Would That It Were)’
88 ‘All Wind And Water’
89 ‘A-Lying A-Larry The Lid-Flipper’
90 ‘The Trial Of Hissing Sid’
91 ‘I Left My Heart In Schleswig-Holstein’
92 ‘Wainscotting Blues (The Paint’s Dun Chipped)’
93 ‘If You Like Wet, Wet, Wet, You’ll Be Coming, Coming, Coming!’
94 ‘This Never Happened To The Other Fellow! (Lazenby’s Lament)’
95 ‘I’m An English Teacher, Not A Homosexual’
96 ‘What Do They Know Of Andrew Duncan (Who Only Andrew Duncan Know)?’
97 ‘Overblown Tart (They’ll Never Show That One Again)’
98 ‘Not Meant To Be Listened To’
99 ‘Adam Singer Says Blueyonder Customer Service Is Crap (He’s Right)’
100 ‘Is That It? (I Only Started Reading The Radio Cream Times Last Week)’

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