BBC suspends 2,000 for doing their job

TV Cream has learned that following the suspension of renowned outspoken and unpredictable broadcasters Russell Brand and Jonathan Ross for being outspoken and unpredictable, the BBC is to mete out the same treatment on a further 2,000 of its reporters, presenters and actors.

Director-General Mark Thompson apparently made the decision after someone at the Media Guardian rang him up and told him to.

Thompson, who was on holiday at the time, is reportedly furious at the thought of BBC talent exhibiting precisely those same talents for which they were originally hired.

The news is set to be broken to the unlucky 2,000 tomorrow in as undignified, flustered and underhand fashion as possible.

Among those to be banished from the screen and the airwaves until a colossal morale-weakening internal investigation has been thoroughly prosecuted are:

Jeremy Paxman, acclaimed tenacious and forensic Newsnight presenter, on grounds of asking a tenacious and forensic question during an interview in October 2002

Bruce Forsyth, venerated entertainer and occasional purveyor of saucy quips, on grounds of purveying a saucy quip during an edition of The Generation Game in December 1974

Daniel Corbett, jovial weathercaster, for being jovial about a computer graphic of a rain cloud on New Year’s Day 2005

David Tennant, shouty time-travelling magician and saviour of humankind, for not saving Kylie Minogue on Christmas Day 2007

Fiona Bruce, consummate deliverer of hard-hitting news, for delivering news that hit hard about David Beckham’s toe in 2004

Terry Wogan, cosy grumbler and dispenser of blarney, for dispensing blarney when grumbling cosily about a misplaced traffic cone on the M4 during a link on Radio 2 in March 1981

Some big beasts of the media establishment, including Sir Lord Gus MacDonald and Lord Sir John Tusa, have expressed their approval of Thompson’s actions and spoken from personal experience of the value of not allowing people onto the air with a talent for doing the job they have been allowed onto the air to do.

So far none of the people at the BBC who actually hired any of the 2,000, or who nurtured, trained, promoted, schooled, produced, directed, controlled, sanctioned, commissioned and paid them, are in any way affected.

This post was written by the Estate of David Paradine Frost: “Mark Thompson? Seriously, he’s doing a grand job”

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