Woolworths photo clippage special

Thursday 27th November 2008

It’s all over for the nation’s favourite bargain bin-cum-high street emporium. Well, unless the government decides to buy Woolworths on behalf of the nation. In the meantime…

1) 15th February 1971. Lord Fiske, chairman of the Decimal Board, drops into a branch in the Strand to check the price of soap and other what-nots:

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2) May 1979: firemen clear out the debris from the “restaurant area” of a branch in Manchester:

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3) Tessa Hewitt and Gillian Duxbury unveil the 1980 Woolworths Collection: a “Vino-one-Shoulder swimsuit in body hugging in shimmering nylon and lycra in vino, black or mid-blue” and “a black/strawberry halter-neck swimsuit in body hugging nylon and lycrs featuring two dainty heart pendants suspended from the halter neckline, also available in pink, brown, beige and rust.”

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4) Hitler does his worst.  A German V2 rocket lands on a branch in New Cross in November 1944, killing 160.

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5) Breaktime:

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TV Cream Dr Who Consumer Unit

Monday 24th November 2008

The air is thick with them, the internet perforated by them, the press carpeted in them.

But enough about rumours concerning the identity of that woman who sings Ride On Time. Let’s try and pin down exactly what is common knowledge about the identity of the next Dr Who.

1) In July, a man in Jedburgh told his local paper he thought he’d spotted someone who “looked like Tony Hawks” stepping in and out of a blue box.

TV CREAM DR WHO CONSUMER UNIT SAYS: It was Tony Hawks, but on investigation it turns out he was merely “researching” his latest book about wryly carrying large goods (in this case a walk-in ice box) in a wry fashion around wryly inhospitable landscapes.

2) A fortnight ago an old lady in Hereford phoned her son to say that she’d overheard two people in Waitrose, “one of whom was Tom Baker”, discussing how much they were looking forward to “seeing more Billie Piper”. The son later posted this revelation on a fan forum.

TV CREAM DR WHO CONSUMER UNIT SAYS: It was Tom Baker, but he was relating how much he was looking forward to “seeing more Marie Piper”, i.e. potatoes.

3) During the summer Russell T Davies reportedly told a fan convention he was very much hoping to give Danny Dyer a hand in getting an opening.

TV CREAM DR WHO CONSUMER UNIT SAYS: Russell T Davies was not talking about Dr Who.

4) The next Dr Who will be someone who has already been in the show.

TV CREAM DR WHO CONSUMER UNIT SAYS: He was asked, but Colin Baker declined, stating it would “be like being asked back for one night with your ex-girlfriend”.

5) The next Dr Who will be a black man/old man/American/child/cripple/gay/gay cripple.

TV CREAM DR WHO CONSUMER UNIT SAYS: The next Dr Who will be Julia Sawalha.


Photo clippage #46

Friday 21st November 2008

A pre pre-Christmas message from Rolf:

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Callers as though it were Christmas Eve

Thursday 20th November 2008

Here’s a bit of textbook Poppery. Mr Duffy in a black poloneck mimes into a cigarillo-microphone in front of various easels boasting Reeves and Mortimer-esque line drawings of musical instruments while sporting an electric guitar which he strikes precisely twice (but at oh-so-important moments).

WARNING: contains insufferable voiceovers from S**** W***** 


“Avant-garde is French for bullshit”

Tuesday 18th November 2008

…so said John Winston Ono O’Boogie Lennon, shortly before releasing an album entirely comprising the sound of himself and the missus shouting and shagging.

Famously, Macca beat him to it, as has suddenly somehow become news once again. But in what way was this ever “a myth”? Mark Lewisohn talked about Carnival Of Light 20 years ago in his ace book The Complete Beatles Recording Sessions. Then there was a load of fuss about its slated inclusion on, and ultimate omission from, the Anthology albums.

There’s never been any doubt about the track being real. Copies of it have turned up on bootlegs. So how come its existence is being made out to be some kind of revelation?

McCartney always did experimental stuff with a shedload more heart and humanity than his co-writer. Compare the last soaring 60 seconds of A Day In The Life with any or indeed all of the dreary, cynical Revolution 9. Silliness always undercut the pomposity; with Lennon it was forever the other way round.

There’s loads of stuff in the Abbey Road archives that merits release ahead of Carnival Of Light. Why, for instance, haven’t any of the Beatles albums ever been digitally remastered and reissued with the obligatory bonus tracks/alternate takes/accompanying DVDs? For that matter, where’s the DVD release of Let It Be? It used to get shown on the BBC every Christmas!

On first reflection the Carnival Of Light nonsense smacks of a bit of self-publicity for Macca’s pet project The Fireman. But look again at that news article: it all stems from an edition of, shudder, Front Row, to be broadcast on Radio 4 tomorrow (Thursday) evening.

Mark Lawson and co at their best, i.e., worst.


Starring Radiohead, John Simm, Robert Lindsay, Daniel Radcliffe, Little and Large and Lindsay Duncan

Sunday 16th November 2008

By way of a slight return to this, how might the feature film fantasies of today’s pop elite manifest themselves on screen? Three cinematic smashes suggest themselves:

Viva La Vida
Written by David Hare
Directed by Danny Boyle
Starring Coldplay, Gwyneth Paltrow, David Bowie, Eddie Izzard, Ricky Gervais and Maureen Lipman
A mysterious stranger known only as Yellow (Chris Martin) returns to Britain after 20 years travelling the world. He discovers an amoral, apathetic society, kept docile and dumb-struck by an evil dictator called The Scientist (Bowie). Teaming up with various revolutionaries and radicals, including the bilingual twins X and Y (Izzard and Gervais) and a beautiful female assassin named Trouble (Paltrow), Yellow attempts to free the minds of every British citizen by voyaging around the country smuggling lugubrious ballads and bombastic stadium rock into unlikely locations, including Battersea Power Station, Blackpool Tower, Edinburgh Castle and the Tivoli Ballroom, Buckley. But will he persuade the exiled Queen Of All Humans (Lipman) to join his quest?

Back For Good
Written by Russell T Davies
From an original idea by Russell T Davies
Directed by Bob Spiers
Starring Take That, Adrian Edmonson, Alan Carr, Justin Lee Collins, Phil Collins, Catherine Tate and Graham Norton
A madcap 24 hours in the life of the nation’s favourite pop group. Follow the highs and lows of the new Fab Four as they fall foul of their wily manager Sid Fiddler (Edmondson), get double-crossed by a pair of odious tabloid reporters (Carr and Collins), have to put up with band member Mark’s cantankerous granddad (Phil Collins) and struggle to avoid the clutches of an obsessive fan known only as Patience (Tate) before performing a triumphant concert in front of some gays in a discotheque run by the peculiarly-named Francis Francis (Norton). Features guest appearances by David Tennant, Penn and Teller, Louise Wener and Lily Savage.

In Rainbows
Written by Thom Yorke and Alan Bleasdale
Directed by Paul Greengrass
Starring Radiohead, John Simm, Robert Lindsay, Daniel Radcliffe, Little and Large and Lindsay Duncan
When a provincial town somewhere in the north of England decides to cede from the United Kingdom, a number of eccentrics, inventors and musicians led by Pablo Honey (Simm) use the opportunity to create a utopian society, only to see their efforts thwarted by the OK Computer, a fiendish masterbrain developed by a lunatic oligarch known as the Paranoid Android (Robert Lindsay) and his terrorist thugs, the Karma Police. Maybe the young firebrand Kid A (Radcliffe) can save the day and show that devolution and democratic socialism can co-exist with a globalised economy. Or will the populace be lulled into a stupor by the comic stylings of stand-up funnymen High and Dry (Little and Large)? And why does Mrs Amnesiac (Lindsay Duncan) keep taking her clothes off? Black comedy from the makers of The Bourne Ultimatum and Jake’s Progress.


Jack Scott RIP

Friday 14th November 2008

Outlook: grim.

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